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Quick Lunch 
Cabaret 



Price 
25 Cents 



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DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS 

Partial List of Successful and Popular Plays. Large Catalogue Free. 
Price 15c each, Postpaid, Unless Different Price Is Given 



DRAMAS, COMEDIES, 
ENTERTAINMENTS, Etc. 

M. F. 

Aaron Boggs, Freshman, 3 

acts, 2^ hrs (25c) 8 8 

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2 hrs (2ic) 15 

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And Home Came Ted, 3 acts, 

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Editor-in-Chief, 1 hr. . . . (25c) 10 
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Everyyouth, 3 acts, 134 h. (25c) 7 6 
Face at the Window, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 4 4 

Fifty-Fifty, 3 acts, 2 hrs. (35c) 6 8 
Fun on the Podunk Limited, i 

\y z hrs (25c) 9 14' 



M. F, 

Her Honor, the Mayor, 3 acts, 

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High School Freshman, 3 acts, 

2 hrs (25c) 12 

Indian Days, 1 hr (50c) 5 2 

In Plum Valley, 4 acts, 234 

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Jayville Junction, 1% hrs. (25c) 14 17 
Kicked Out of College, 3 acts, 

2% hrs (25c) 10 9 

Kingdom of Heart's Content, 3 

acts, 234 hrs (25c) 6 12 

Lady of the Library, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 5 10 

Laughing Cure, 2 acts, 1)4 hrs. 

(25c) 4 5 

Lighthouse Nan, 3 acts, 2 34 

hrs (25c) 5 4 

Little Buckshot, 3 acts, 2 34 hrs. 

(25c) 7 4 

Little Clodhopper, 3 acts, 2 

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Mirandy's Minstrels (25c) Optnl. 

Mrs. Tubbs Does Her Bit, 3 

acts, 234 hrs.. . (25c) 7 7 

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acts, 2% hrs (25c) 4 7 

Old Fashioned Mother, 3 acts, 

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Poor Married Man, 3 acts, 2 

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Prairie Rose, 4 acts, 234 h.(25c) 7 4 

Rummage Sale, 50 min 4 10 

Rustic Romeo, 2 acts, 234 

hrs (25c) 10 12 

Safety First, 3 acts, 

234 hrs (25c) 5 5 

Savageland, 2 acts, 234 hrs. (50c) 5 5 
School Ma'am, 4 acts, l->4 hrs. 6 5 
Sewing for the Heathen, 40 min. 9 
Southern Cinderella, 3 acts, 2 

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Spark of Life, 3 acts, 

2 hrs (25c) 4 4 

Spell of the Image, 3 acts, 2 34 

hrs (25c)10 10 

Star Bright, 3 acts, 2y 2 h. (25c) 6 5 
Teacher, Kin I Go Home? 2 

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Those Dreadful Twins, 3 acts, 

2 hrs. „ (25c) 6 4 

Thread of Destiny, 3 acts, 234 

hrs (25c) 9 16 

Tonv, the Convict, 5 acts, 234 

"hrs (25c) 7 4 



T.S.DENISON&COMPANY,Publishers,154W.RandolphSt., Chicago 



The Quick Lunch Cabaret 



A VERSICAL OMELETTE IN ONE SCRAMBLE 

FOR 

MALE QUARTETTE 



BY 

COURTNEY RYLEY COOPER 




CHICAGO 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 

Publishers 

ciqiSo 



THE QUICK LUNCH CABARET 



P5 






NOTICE 

Production of this play is 
free to amateurs, but the 
sole professional rights are 
reserved by the Publishers. 



COPYRIGHT, 1018 

BY 

COURTNEY RYLEY COOPER. 

25 l2iH ©CI.D 50756 



THE QUICK LUNCH CABARET 



CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

The Counterman V A Hash-slinger 

The Chef Who Makes the Hash 

The Actor A Customer 

The Wop .Another 

A quick change to two burglars and two policemen. 



Place — A Quick Lunch Emporium. 



Time of Playing — About Twenty Minutes. 



TO THE ACTORS. 

Remember that the success of this little sketch depends 
wholly as much on the way you put over the lines as it 
does upon the lines and the action themselves. Every cue 
must be taken up promptly and every part must be letter 
perfect. If one character speaks a line that is not in the 
script, the whole continuity is lost and the punch of the act 
will fail. It is by the constant speaking of the jingles that 
the lines present that the novelty is obtained. 

3 



4 THE QUICK LUNCH CABARET 

And please do not merely sing-song these lines. Speak 
them as though they were the regular lines of a regular 
play, with emphasis and modulation. Put pep in them. 
For instance, take this bit of action: 
Counterman. 

I'm sorry, but I'm bent. 
Chef. 

You haven't got a cent? 

Counterman. 

I thought I had some cash here 

But I guess that it has went ! 
The Counterman speaks the first line in regretful sur- 
prise as he looks at the empty cash register. The Chef 
should snap the second line at him in painful excitement. 
The Counterman should return with his line mournfully, 
realizing that all his money is gone. The meters should 
be observed in these lines, at the same time putting the 
proper emphasis and interest in them that they deserve. 
Don't try to talk poetry for the audience. It's the lilting 
of the rhyme, apparently given in an unconscious manner, 
that puts over the rhythm. 

Keep the swing and rhythm going all the time. Now and 
then, at the pleasure of the actors, snap your fingers and 
sway, cabaret style, to the ragging lilt of the lines. This 
should be done especially on the long lines, such as the 
Wop's plea that begins : "Oh, leesten, a mista man, I've 
got da bigga da f amilee — " the Actor's monologue that fol- 
lows and the Counterman's monologue following that. An- 
other point. The way to get the laughs out of the lines is 
to speak them as if you meant them. For instance, when 
the Actor says : "I certainly hope the nawsty thing doesn't 
get into my stew," he means it and it will be the serious 
foolishness of the line that will put it over. Another ex- 
ample is when the two burglars are about to rob the safe: 

First Burglar. 
Hist! 

Second Burglar. 
Hist ! 



THE QUICK LUNCH CABARET 5 

First Burglar. 
Are you any good at whist? 
When that question is asked it is a serious interrogation 
that has suddenly bobbed up in the mind of the burglar and 
he really wants to know. That's the thing that will get the 
laughs, the sudden breaks and departures from the lines 
that have gone before, that will surprise the audience and 
bring the chuckle. The speeches must be syncopated like the 
old familiar line "All policemen have big feet." 

Care should be taken to time the "breaks" on the cash 
register and with the crash box, so that they will strike in 
perfect accord, syncopated, and if these are put over prop- 
erly they will add greatly to the action. 

SIGNS. 

The walls of the set should be placarded, in conspicuous 
places, with large signs that are easily read, and which will 
help to create the atmosphere of the worst quick lunch 
stands. Thus : 

HAVE YOU SOFT BOILED 

TRIED OUR COBBLESTONES 

FOODLESS SPECIAL? 10 Cts. 

PTOMAINE PUDDING SUFFRAGE EGGS 

Two Bits OLD ENOUGH TO VOTE. 

EAT HERE MILK 10 Cts. 

DIE OUTSIDE WATER FREE. 

O— CEDAR SOUP! 

PLEASE DON'T 

TEASE 
THE ONIONS. 

SPEAK SOFTLY 
LOST: ONE DOG. THE 

FOUND: ONE SAUSAGE. CHEESE IS NERVOUS. 



6 THE QUICK LUNCH CABARET 

COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS 

Counterman — Tough, yet not too tough. Has the 
hash-slinger air about him, but is not of the Bowery type.. 
He is dressed in the usual jacket and apron, with a visor- 
less cap slanted over one eye. 

Chef — Should be small, somewhat of the Jeff type ; eager, 
quick and should be made up a bit eccentric. His jacket 
is smeared with soot and his over-large chef's hat should 
be large enough to flop about. 

Actor — Large, thin, dressed in the Hamfat style, long- 
haired wig, tight trousers, unshaven face, stovepipe hat and 
Prince Albert coat. Shoes are worn out and covered by 
spats. Should wear gloves that are out at the fingers. 

Wop — Italian of the street singer type. Corduroy coat 
and trousers, misshapen fedora hat, red bandanna around 
neck. Use regular Italian makeup. 

Iceman — Is heard but not seen. Should have bass voice 
and probably should be doubled by Actor, who can speak 
Iceman's lines before going on stage. 

First Burglar — Doubled by Wop. Merely change to 
roughneck clothes. 

Second Burglar — Doubled by Counterman. Same as 
First Burglar. 

First Policeman — Doubled by Actor. Merely change to 
policeman's clothing. 

Second Policeman — Same as above by Chef. This suit 
should be far too large. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R. means right of stage; C, center; R. C, right center; 
L., left ; i E., first entrance ; U. E., upper entrance ; R. 3 E., 
right entrance up stage, etc. ; up stage, away from foot- 
lights; down stage, near footlights. The actor is supposed 
to be facing the audience. 



THE QUICK LUNCH CABARET 



Scene : This setting should represent the usual interior 
of a "Quick and Dirty," with a small counter back stage, 
upon which are dishes, fruit, etc., to dress. There is a par- 
tition with an opening through which the Chef sticks his 
head to speak his lines. This can be a doorway if a par- 
tition is not available. Two chairs and table down left, 
two chairs and table down right. Entrances left 2 E. and 
right 2 E. There should be a safe in plain view. 

At curtain, mumbling and talking ad lib is heard behind 
the partition. The Iceman is demanding his pay and the 
Chef is telling him that he has no money. This goes on 
until the audience has had time to glance at the signs on 
the wall. Then a crash box should be banged about furi- 
ously, accompanied by shouts and yells. It ceases on the 
entrance of the Counterman, who hurries in L. 2 E. and 
attempts to learn what is wrong back of the partition. 

Counterman. 
Hey, what's the matter back there? 
Why all the noise and din? 

Chef. 
(Sticks head out hole.) 
The iceman wants his pay, sir, 
And I haven't got the tin! 

Counterman. 
What is that you say? 

Chef. 

The iceman wants his pay! 

Iceman. 
(Voice off stage.) 
Yeh, what's more I'm going to get it 
Or you'll get no ice today! 

(Crash Box — "Bang de bang, bang — ") 
7 



THE QUICK LUNCH CABARET 

Counterman. 
(Strikes bell on cash register. "Ding -ding!") 
(Looks painfully tozvard audience.) 
It certainly is no joke 
To be all bent and broke — 

Chef. 
(Still at windozv.) 
Say, this iceman still is raving, 
Are you going to pay the bloke? 

Counterman. 
Wait a while and I will see 
If I can see what I can see, 
And if I can find the wherewithal 

Chef. 
You'll slip it right to me? 

Counterman. 
(Opens cash register, sees no money there.) 
I'm sorry, but I'm bent ! 

Chef. 
You haven't got a cent? 

Counterman. 
I thought I had some cash here 
But I guess that it has went! 

Chef. 
(Pained.) 
Gosh, what are we going to do? 

Counterman. 
I don't know, do you? 



THE QUICK LUNCH CABARET 9 

Chef. 
(With great idea.) 
Yeh! I'll grab myself a blackjack 
And beat him black and blue. 

(Hurries from window. Shouts are heard, then crash 
box, like drum beating. "Crash, crash — crash, crash, crash 
— crash — de-crash-crash — " ) 

Counterman. 

(Recovering from ducking imaginary blows, strikes cash 

register again. "Ding-ding!") 

(Soliloquizes.) 

I really hate an iceman, 

I hate his kind and ilk — 

Actor enters R. 

Actor. 
Ah, brother! Blessings on thee! 
Draw me a bowl of milk! 
For milk is most nutritious, 
Most delectable, delicious — 

Counterman. 

(With bowl.) 
Have you ever tried our fishes 
Or our stew? 

Chef appears at window. 

Actor. 
I want milk that's smooth and whippy, 
Lovely cream that's thick and drippy — 

Chef. 
(To Counterman.) 
Say, I think that guy is dippy — 



10 THE QUICK LUNCH CABARET 

Counterman. 
(Earnestly.) 
I do too ! 

Actor. 

Into this bowl of nectar — 
Take six bivalves — 

Counterman. 
Quite correct, sir ! 

(Chef leaves window.) 

Actor. 
On the half shell, a la Rector 
From the blue. 

Boil the milk but for a minute, 
Drop each bivalve slowly in it, 
Stir the milk and gently thin it — 

Counterman. 
(Shouts to Chef.) 
Oyster stew! 

Chef. 
(Bangs pan. ''Clank de clank, clank — ") 

Counterman. 
(On cash register. "Ding-ding!") 

Chef. 
(At windozv.) 
You say he wants a stew? 

Actor. 
(Angrily.) 
Yes, I say I want a stew ! 

Counterman. 
(To Chef.) 
Well, I'm not stewed, are you? 



THE QUICK LUNCH CABARET 11 



Are you? 
Are you? 
Are you? 



Chef. 
(To Actor.) 

Actor. 
(To Counterman.) 

Counterman. 
(To Chef.) 



Chef. 
Well, I know I'd like to be! 

Counterman. 
So stewed I couldn't shee! 

Actor. 
(Loftily.) 
Beg pardon, kindly, garcon, 
Wilt give me a cup of tea? 

Wop sneaks in L. Counterman is pouring tea and hands 
it to Actor, who starts to table. 

Wop. 
Oh, meesta, pleasa gimme 
A littla bite to eat ! 

Actor. 
I'd better be quite careful 
Or I'll spill this on my feet! 

Counterman. 
(To Wop.) 
Where d'ya get that stuff? 

Chef. 
(To Wop.) 
Yeh, where d'ya' get that stuff? 



12 THE QUICK LUNCH CABARET 

Counterman. 
Go fan yourself away from here 
Before I treat you rough! 

Wop. 
Oh, pleasa, da Mist, pleasa lissa t' me ; 
My wife she is sick in da bed ! 
My baba is dying, I haven't a cent — 

Actor. 
(With sudden thought.) 
I think I've a cold in my head ! 

Wop. 
I'll worka for you, I'll wipa da dish ! 

(Counterman starts weeping into apron.) 

Wop. 
I'll worka all over da place ! 

Counterman. 
(Blubbering, but trying to be rough.) 
Ah, go roll your hoop, you misguided fish — 
Or I'll give you a push in the face ! 

Actor. 
Haw, haw! Haw! Haw! 

Chef. 
(In high, squeaky voice.) 
Hee, hee ! 

Wop. 
Pleasa, mista da boss, all day long, no eat ! 

Counterman. 
(Anxiously.) 
Nothing to eat? Not a thing? 



THE QUICK LUNCH CABARET 13 

Wop. 
I'll pay for my food — ala time (snaps fingers) lika dat ! 
I'll pay widda dis (points to throat), I'll sing! 



Sing? 
Sing? 



Actor. 
(Looks up.) 

Counterman. 



Chef. 
(Comes forth to counter.) 
The poor deluded thing ! 
(Orchestra starts to play introduction of song softly.) 

Actor. 
(With sudden anxiety.) 
Why, bless my soul 
Upon the whole! 
I think I drank my ring! 

(Slaps self. "Slap de slap-slap !") 

Counterman. 
(On cash register. "Ding-ding!") 

(Wop sings verse of quartette number. Counterman, 
Actor and Chef fill in on quartette. Use as little or much 
quartette music as desired. Then, after song:)- 

Counterman. 
(To others.) 
It sounded very good — 

Wop. 
Ah, Boss, I knew it would ! 

Chef. 
Well, I see you really did it — 



14 THE QUICK LUNCH CABARET 

Actor. 
But I didn't think you could! 

Wop. 
(Proudly, takes old cotton glove from pocket and starts 
putting it on hand. As he speaks his lines he gets two 
fingers of hand into one finger of the glove, thus leaving a 
finger of the glove empty.) 

Ah, meesta da man, it was notting a-tall, 
When I sing, Ah Babee ! they must linger — 

Actor. 

(Loftily.) 
He sings of the spring and he sings of the fall — 

Chef. 
(suddenly terribly excited.) 
Hey, Caruso, you've lost it — your ringer ! 

(All jump hurriedly around, looking on the floor, the 
counter and under the table for the missing finger. Sud- 
denly pat their pockets in progressing beat time, thus:) 

Wop. 
(Pats self. "Pat!") 

Chef. 
(Pats self. De pat!") 

Actor. 
(Pats self. "Pat!") 

Counterman. 
(Bangs cup on table. "Knock-knock!") 

Chef. 

(Anxiously.) 
Maybe it's in your pocket — 



THE QUICK LUNCH CABARET 15 

Counterman. 
Maybe it's in your shoe — 

Actor. 

(Soliloquises.) 
I surely hope the nawsty thing 
Doesn't get into my stew ! 

Chef. 
Where'd you see it last? 

Counterman. 
You're sure that it was fast? 

Wop. 
(Pulls off glove and finds finger.) 
Ah, Babee ! I have you now ! 

Actor. 
Tis good! The danger's past! 
( Use here the break with hand claps and a gesture, thus : ) 

Wop. 

(Claps hands. "Clap!") 

(Hold the hands clasped afterzvards for final gesture.) 

Counterman. 
(Slight clap. "De.") 

Chef. 
(Claps hands. "Clap!") 

Actor. 

(Claps hands. "Clap!") 
(All raise clasped hands and bring them down again in the 
old "Way Down East" pleading style to complete the beats 
of the "break.") 



16 THE QUICK LUNCH CABARET 

Counterman. 
(Takes sudden dislike to Wop and backs him away.) 
Say, why'd you come in here? 

Chef. 
Yeh, why'd you come in here ? 

Wop. 
I thought it was a drug store, 
I wanted a glass of beer! 

Actor. 
Hear-hear ! 

Chef. 
(Surprised.) 
Here? 

Counterman. 
(Equally surprised.) 
Here? 

Wop. 
Beer — beer ! 

Counterman. 
Say, you keep on acting funny 
And I'll swat you on the ear ! 

(Makes pass at him.) 

Wop. 
(Pleads.) 
Oh, leesten a mista man, I've got da beega familee, 
I got a wife an' seven kids, they alia time a troub 'a me 
They gotta beega feet 
They always want t' eat — 

Chef. 
Now isn't that the darndest thing? 

Counterman. 
(To Chef.) 
Did you ever hear the beat? 



THE QUICK LUNCH CABARET 17 

Actor. 
Haw, haw ! Haw! Haw! 

Chef. 
Hee-hee ! 

Actor. 
Oh, many and many a year, 
I've acted very faithfullee 
I've trod the boards and other things 
That really were quite sad to me — 
I've never had a cent 
To pay my food or rent — 

Chef. 
Gee whiz ! Nov/ that guy's raving ! 

Counterman. 
I think his head is bent! 

Actor. 
Haw, haw! Haw! Haw! 

Chef. 
Hee-hee ! 

Counterman. 
At doling out the food, 
I more than have a masteree; 
I've offerings from everywhere, 
From market place and bakeree. 

Wop. 
He takes the order then, 

Chef. 
Like a perfect gentleman — 

Actor. 
He takes your hat and pocketbook — 



18 THE QUICK LUNCH CABARET 

Counterman. 
{Flustered.) 
We'd better sing again! 

{Quartette song. Break into the first song with the end 
of the Counterman's line. Then follow with any songs 
you desire to fill out quartette music, finally going into solo 
in which the other three members of the quartette exit. 
After solo, soloists exit. Lights out.) 

First Burglar. 
{Creeps on stage, spotlight on him.) 
Hark! 

Second Burglar. 
{Creeping on stage.) 
Hark! 

First Burglar. 
I thought I heard a bark! 

Second Burglar. 
Hist! 

First Burglar. 
Hist! 

Second Burglar. 
Are you good at whist? 

First Burglar. 
Quiet, fool ! We're here to rob, 
A safe that's full of treasure ! 

Second Burglar. 
Well, can't you make a little noise 
And have a little pleasure? 

( Goes to safe and bangs it with hammer: "Bang de bang, 
bang — bang, bang!") 

First Burglar. 
{Runs forward.) 
Nix, you fool, you're worse than any lout, 



THE QUICK LUNCH CABARET 19 

Second Burglar. 
There's no one in — and when we're through- — they'll 
be a great deal out! 

First Burglar. 
I know, but say, 
This place is a cafay ! 

Second Burglar. 
Why waste our time with filthy gold? 
We'll take the food away! 

First Burglar. 
That's right, 
That's right! 
We ought to have a bite — 

Second Burglar. 
We'd better make it quick, then, 
Or we'll get pinched tonight! 

(Bangs safe with hammer — "bang de bang, bang — bang, 

bang.") 

First Burglar. 

(Looks around.) 
Yes, I guess we've got to eat, 
I guess we've got to eat ! 

Second Burglar. 
(Stops zvork at safe.) 
They have some lovely veg'tables 
And corn that's very sweet. 

First Burglar. 
You say the corn is sweet? 

Second Burglar. 
Oh, it's verah, verah sweet ! 



20 THE QUICK LUNCH CABARET 

First Burglar. 
It came right from the garden? 

Second Burglar. 
And it really can't be beat ! 

First Burglar. 
But I want a cup of tea — 
I want a cup of tea ! 

Second Burglar. 
Well, I'm not the waiter here, 
So why do you look at me? 

Voice Outside. 
Hye, sye, let's get a piece of pie ! 

Second Voice. 
We'll either get it, don'tchernow, 
Or bust him in the eye ! 

First Burglar. 
Cease ! 

Second Burglar. 
Cease ! 

First Burglar. 
I think it's the police! 

Second Burglar. 
Sshush ! 

First Burglar. 
Tush! 

Both. 
We'll soak them in the mush! 
(Both sing.) 

And we'll rob the good old strongbox, 
We'll rob the good old strongbox. 



THE QUICK LUNCH CABARET 21 

Both Policemen enter L. and R. Lights on. 

Policemen, 
Believe us, bo, when we get through 
You'll think you've had the smallpox! 

First Burglar. 
We're nabbed! 

Second Burglar. 
You blabbed ! 

First Policeman. 
Say, your little game is crabbed ! 

Second Policeman. 
So come on to the station house 

First Policeman. 
Before your nose is jabbed ! 

First Burglar. 
{Defiant.) 
No, ding me if I will, 

Second Burglar. 
{Confidently.) 
We'll fight 'em, won't we, Bill? 

First Policeman. 
You're goin' up for ninety years 

Second Policeman. 
To the Big House on the Hill! 

{Here both Policemen rush forward and swing clubs 
on heads of burglars. Caps must be fitted with sound boxes 
and pads. "Bang-de-bang, bang — bang, bang!" Burglars 
reel away. Then:) 



22 THE QUICK LUNCH CABARET 

First Burglar. 
Curse you for a scoundrel ! 

Second Burglar. 
And curse you for a snake — 

First Policeman. 
Say, put the nippers on these guys 
Before they make a break! 

{They rush at each other. The orchestra plays chills 
and fever music while the four struggle over the stage, 
knocking over the tables and giving every evidence of being 
in a struggle to the death. Then the music changes to a 
dreamy waits, and the four men gradually cease their fight- 
ing and dance together in the most approved exhibition 
style, exaggerated to a degree. They do this just long 
enough to get the laugh, then, turning to the audience, they 
break into fast quartette music, preferably a medley of 
popular hits, and quick exit.) 

Curtain. 



The Lady of the Library 

By EDITH F. A. U. PAINTON 

Price, 25 Cents 

A delightful comedy-drama of village life in 3 acts; 5 males, 
10 females. Time. 2 hours. Scene: Reading room of a public 
library; easily set. A most refined and lovable librarian of 60 
years, surprisingly youthful in appearance and manner, plays the 
leading role. Through her selection of literature the town has 
been brought up to a high standard. Although sincerely in love 
with a certain judge, she has allowed the whims of others to 
keep them apart for many years; however, they are finally united. 
Pearl, the pretty ingenue, a strong part. Bits of good comedy 
furnished by two typical old maids, a movie actress, newlyweds 
and the "proprietor of the dust rag." A story that inspires the 
most pleasant thoughts and is bound to find its way to the heart 
of every audience. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act I. — Morning at the Library. A movie actress in ordinary 
role. "Miss Avis won't be an old maid when she's a hundred." 
Burr warns Pearl against the fate of a spinster. The missing 
book. Mrs. Nelson recalls old times. The new preacher feels 
called to set to rights a few things. "Would you close the doors 
of knowledge to your four-footed brothers?" Mrs. Edgeworth 
exerts her authority. A startling insinuation. Avis unlocks the 
chambers of the past. "God be merciful to all who are born 
women!" 

Act II. — Mrs. Edgeworth on the war-path. Sam assumes the 
blame. "I'm the guy that put the sin in Cincinnati." The Judge's 
return takes everybody by surprise. The preacher interviews 
Pearl and Susanne appeals for religious instruction. Mrs. Edge- 
worth's accusation is met by opposition. "If this was the Judg- 
ment Day and you were the Angel of Death itself, I could give 
no other answer!" "I would stake my very life on her honesty." 

Act III. — Sam gets poetic through literary association. The 
preacher hears the story of Pearl's origin. Avis resigns her 
position. The Judge hears of the pearl ring and finds the long- 
sought child. Mrs. Edgeworth's change of heart. "Of course 
the dear child was not at all to blame." The Judge reveals the 
mystery of the lost volume and Burr contributes his share to 
the revelation. Pearl speaks her mind. "I have nothing what- 
ever to say to Burr's mother." Mrs. Edgeworth rejoices. "I 
have always longed for a daughter." Susanne frightens the min- 
ister. "Go away, lady!" Avis receives and answers her letter at 
last. The Judge "considers their ages" and gets his "turn" at 
last. "Is it too late to find the minister?" 



At Harmony Junction 

By FREDERICK G. JOHNSON 

Price, 15 Cents 

Comedy character sketch for a singing quartette; 4 males. 
Time, 20 minutes. The rube station agent, the colored porter, 
the tramp and the stranger supply mirth and melody while wait- 
ing for the train "due th' day before yistiddy." 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 

154 W. Randolph Street, CHICAGO 



Safety First 



By SHELDON PARMER 

Price, 25 Cents 

Farce-comedy, in 3 acts; 5 males, 5 females. Time, 2% hours. 
Scenes: A parlor and a garden, easily arranged. A sprightly 
farce full of action and with a unique plot teeming with unex- 
pected turns and twists that will make the audience wonder "what 
on earth is coming next." Behind the fun and movement lurks 
a great moral: Always tell the truth to your wife. The cast 
includes three young men, a funny policeman, a terrible Turk, 
two young ladies, a society matron, a Turkish maiden and Mary 
O'Finnigan, the Irish cook. The antics of the terror-stricken 
husband, the policeman, the dude and the Irish cook start the 
audience smiling at 8:15 and send them home with aching sides 
from the tornado of fun at 10:40. Suitable for performance any- 
where, but recommended for lodges, clubs and. schools. Not a 
coarse or suggestive line in the play. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act I.— Jack's lil suburban home. A misplaced husband. "He 
kissed me good-bye at eighteen minutes after seven last night, 
and I haven't laid eyes on him since." The Irish maid is full 
of sympathy but she imagines a crime has been committed. 
Elmer, the college boy, drops in. And the terrible Turk drops 
out. "Sure the boss has eloped wid a Turkey!" Jerry and Jack 
come home after a horrible night. Explanations. "We joined tbe 
Shriners, I'm the Exalted Imported Woggle and Jack is the Ba- 
zook!" A detective on the trail. Warrants for John Doe, Richard 
Roe and Mary Moe. "We're on our way to Florida!" 

Act II. — A month later, Jack and Jerry reported drowned at 
sea. The Terrible Turk looking for Zuleika. The return of the 
prodigals. Ghosts! Some tall explanations are in order. "I never 
was drowned in all my life, was I, Jerry?" "We were lashed to 
a mast and we floated and floated and floated!" A couple of 
heroes. The Terrible Turk hunting for Jack and Jerry. "A Turk 
never injures an insane man." Jack feigns insanity. "We are 
leaving this roof forever!" The end of a perfect day. 

Act III. — Mrs. Bridger's garden. Elmer and Zuleika start on 
their honeymoon. Mabel forgives Jack, but her mamma does not. 
They decide to elope. Jerry's scheme works. The two McNutts. 
"Me middle name is George Washington, and I cannot tell a 
lie." The detective falls in the well. "It's his ghost!" Jack and 
Jerry preparing for the elopement. Mary Ann appears at the 
top of the ladder. A slight mistake. "It's a burglar, mum, I've 
got him!" The Terrible Turk finds his Zuleika. Happiness at last. 

Foiled, By Heck! 

By FREDERICK G. JOHNSON 

Price, 25 Cents 

A truly rural drama, in 1 scene and several dastardly acts; 
3 males, 3 females. Time, 35 minutes. Scene: The mortgaged 
home of the , homespun drama, between sunup and sundown. 
Characters: Reuben, a nearly self-made man. His wife, who 
did the rest. Their perfectly lovely daughter. Clarence, a rustic 
hero, by ginger! Olivia, the plaything of fate, poor girl. Syl- 
vester, with a viper's heart. Curses! Curses! Already he has 
the papers. A screaming travesty on the old-time "b'gosh" drama. 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 

154 W. Randolph Street. CHICAGO 



DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS 

Price 15 Cents Each, Postpaid, Unless Different Price Is Given 



M. F. 

Trial cf Hearts, 4 acts, 2% hrs. 

(-\"c) 6 13 

Trip to Storyland, 1'4 hrs. (2. r ,c) 17 23 

Uncle Jo:h, 4 acts, 2y' A hrs. (,25c} 8 3 
Under Blue Skies, 4 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 7 10 

Under the Laurels, 5 acts, 2 hrs. 6 4 
Winning Widow, 2 acts, 1J4 hrs. 

USc) 2 4 

Women Who Did, 1 hr. ... (25c) 17 

Yankee Detective, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 8 3 

FARCES, COMEDIETAS, Etc. 

All on a Summer's Day, 43 min. 4 6 

April Fools, 30 min 3 

Assessor, The, 10 min ». . 3 2 

\unt Harriet's Night Out, 35 

min 1 2 

Baby Show at Pineville, 20 min. 19 

Billy's Chorus Girl, 25 min... 2 3 

Billy's Mishap, 20 min 2 3 

Borrowed Luncheon. 20 min.. 5 

Borrowing Trouble, 20 min.... 3 5 
Case Against Casey^ 40 min... 23 
Country Justice, 1 d min ..-,... 8 

Cow that Kicked Chicago, 20 m. 3 2 
Divided Attentions, 35 min. ..14 

Family Strike, 20 min 3 3 

First-Class Hotel, 20 min.... 4 

For Love and Honor, 20 min.. 2 1 

Fudge and a Burglar, 15 min.. 5 

Fun in Photo Gallery, 30 min.. 6 10 

Getting R'd of Father, 20 min. 3 1 
Great, Medical Dispensary, 30 m. 6 
Great Pumpkin Case, 30 min ..12 

Hans Von Smash, 30 min.... 4 3 
Initiating a Granger, 25 min.. 8 

Irish Linen Peddler, 40 min... 3 3 

Kansas Immigrants, 20 min ... 5 1 

Lottie Sees It Through, 35 min. 3 4 

Men Not Wanted, 30 min 8 

Mother Goose's Goslings, 30 m. 7 9 

Mrs. Jenkins' Brilliant Idea, 35m. 8 

Mrs. Stubbins' Book A^ent, 30 m. 3 2 

Not a Man in the House, 40_m. 5 

Pair of Lunatics, 20 min.. 7.. 1 1 

Patsy O'Wang, 35 min 4 3 

Pat, the Apothecary, 35 min.. 6 2 

Persecuted Dutchman, 30 min. 6 3 

Please Pass the Cream, 20 min. 1 1 

Second Childhood, 15 min.... 2 2 

Shadows, 35 min 2 2 

Sing a Song of Seniors, 30 min. 7 

Smith's Unlucky Day, 20 min.. 1 1 

Taking Father's Place, 30 min. 5 3 

That Rascal- Pat, 30 min 3 2 

Too Much of a Good Thing, 45 

min 3 6 

Turn Him Out, 35 min 3 2 

Two Aunts and a Photo, 20 m. 4 
Two Gentlemen i-i a Fix, 15 m. 2 

Two Ghosts in White, 20 min . . 8 



Two of a Kind, 40 min 2 3 

Uncle Dick's Mistake, 20 min.. 3- 2 

Wanted a Correspondent, 45 m. 4 4 
Watch, a Wailet, and a jack of 

Spades, 40 min 3 6 

The Whole Trn'.h, 40 min 5 4 

Who's the Boss? 25 min 3 6 

W r ide Enough for Two, 45 min. 5 2 

Wrong Baby, 25 min 8 

VAUDEVILLE SKETCHES, MON- 
OLOGUES, ETHIOPIAN PLAYS. 

Amateur, 15 min 1 1 

At Harmony Junction, 20 min. 4 

A::in' Her Father, 25 min 2 3 

Booster Club of Blackville, 25 in. 10 
Breakfast Food for Two, 20 m. 1 1 

Cold Finish, 15 min.._. 2 1 

Colored Honeymoon, 25 min... 2 2 
Coon Creek Courtship, 15 min. 1 1 
Coming Champion, 20 min.... 2 
Coontown Thirteen Club, 25 m.14 

Counterfeit Bills, 20 min 1 1 

Darktown Fire Brigade, 25 min. 10 
Doings of a Duda, 20 min.... 2 1 

For Reform, 20 min. 4 

Fresh Timothy Hay, 20 min.. 2 1 
Glickman, the Glazier, 25 min. 1 1 
Good Mornin* Judge, 35 min.. 9 2 

Her Hero, 20 min 1 1 

Hey, Rube! 15 min 1 

Home Run, 15 min 1 1 

Hungry, 15 min 2 

Little Miss Enemy, 15 min.... 1 1 
Little Red School House, 20 m. 4 

Love and Lather, 35 min 3 2 

Marriage and After, 10 min.. 1 

Memohis Mose, 25 min 5 1 

Mischievous Nigger, 25 min.. 4 2 

Mr. and Mrs. Fido, 20 min 1 1 

Oh, Doctor! 30 min 6 2 

One Sweetheart for Two, 20 m. 2 

Oyster Stew, 10 min 2 

Pete Yansen's Gurl's Mcdcr, 10m. 1 

Pickles for Two, 15 min 2 

Si and L 15 min 1 

Special Sale, 15 min 2 

Street Faker, 15 min .... v ... . 3 

Such Ignorance, 15 m'n 2 

'Sunny Son of Italv, 15 min.. 1 

Time Table, 20 min . 1 1 

Tramp and the Actress, 20 min. 1 1 
Troubled by Ghosts, 10 min... 4 
Troubles of Rozinski, 15 urn.. 1 
Two Jay Detectives, 15 min.. 3 
Umbrella Mender, 1 5 min .... 2 
What Happened to Hannah, 1 fiii. 1 1 

A great number of 

Standard and Amateur Plays 

not found here are lasted in 

Denlson's Catalogue 



T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers, 1 54 W. Randolph St. , Chicago 



POPULAR ENTERTAII 

Price, Illustrated Paper Covi 




r 



N this Series 



books touching 
every feature 
in the enter- 
tainment field. 
Finely made, 
good paper, 
clear print and, 
each book has 
an attractive 
individual cov- 
er design. 
A Partial List 

DIALOGUES 

All Sorts of Dialogues. 

Selected, fine for older pupils. 
Catchy Comic Dialogues. 

Very clever; for young people. 
Children's Comic Dialogues. 

From six to eleven years of arg& 
Country School Dialogues. 

Brand new, original. 
Dialogues for District Schools. 

For country schools. 
Dialogues from Dickens. 

Thirteen selections. 
The Friday Afternoon Dialogues. 

Over 50,000 copies sold. 
From Tots to Teens. 

.Dialogues and recitations. 
Humorous Homespun Dialogues. 

For older ones. 
Little People's Plays. 

From 7 to 13 years of age. 
Lively Dialogues. 

For all ages; mostly humorous. 
Merry Little Dialogues. 

Thirty-eight original selections. 
When the Lessons are Over. 

Dialogues, drills, plays. 
Wide Awake Dialogues. 

Original successful. 

SPEAKERS, MONOLOGUES 

Choice Pieces for' Little People. 

A child's speaker. 
The Comic Entertainer. 

Recitations, monologues, dialogues. 
Dialect Readings. 

Irish, Dutch, Negro, Scotch, etc. 
The Favorite Speaker. 

Choice prose and poetry. 
The Friday Afternoon Speaker. 

For pupils of all ages. 
Humorous Monologues. 

Particularly for ladies. 
Monologues for Young Folks. 

Clever, humorous, original. 



Moi 



i-adkhky Uh CONGRESS 




I 



018 604 924 A 

Choice collections, pathetic, hu- 
morous, descriptive, p r o s e, 
poetry. 15 Nos., per No. 30c 

DRILLS 

The Best Drill Book." 

Very popular drills and marches. 
The Favorite Book of Drills. 

1 )rills that sparkle with originality. 
Little Plays With Drills. 

For children from 6 to 11 years. 
The Surprise Drill Book. 

Fresh, novel, drills and marches. 

SPECIALTIES 

The Boys' Entertainer. 

Monologues, dialogues, drills. 
Children's Party Eock. 

Invitations, decorations, games. 
The Days We Celebrate. 

Entertainments for all the holidays. 
Good Things for Christmas. 

Recitations, dialogues, drills. 
Good Things for Sunday Schools. 

Dialogues, exercises, recitations. 
Good Things for Thanksgiving. 

A gem of a book. 
Good Things for Washington 

and Lincoln Birthdays. 
Little Folks' Budget. 

Ea-^y pieces to speak, songs. 
One Hundred Entertainments. 

New parlor diversions, socials. 
Patriotic Celebrations. 

Great variety of material. 
Pictured Readings and Tableaux. 

Entirely original features. 
Pranks and Pastimes. 

Parlor games for children. 
Private Theatricals. 

How to put on plays. 
Shadow Pictures, Pantomimes, 

Charades, and how to prep; 
Tableaux and Scenic Readings. 

New and novel; for all ages. 
Twinkling Fingers and Sway- 
ing Figures. For little t 
Yuletide Entertainments. 

A choice Christmas collection. 

MINSTRELS, JOKES 

Black-Face Joker. 

Minstrels' and end men's \ 
A Bundle of Burnt Cork Comedy. 

Monologues, stump speeches, etc. 
Laughland, via the Ha-Ha Route. 

A merry trip for fun tourists. 
Negro Minstrels. 

All about the business. 
The New Jolly Jester. 

Funny stories, j okes, gags, etc. 

Large Illustrated Catalogue Free 



T.S.DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers, 154 W.Randolph St., Chicago 



d5*Q' 
Iffl 



■JffiARV OF CONGRESS 



o.o 18 WSf« , 



